


Ridiculous Ideas (Or Are They?)

by strangehighs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Awkward Romance, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Meddling, Post-Canon, Severus Snape Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangehighs/pseuds/strangehighs
Summary: Severus and Andromeda find themselves with similar issues, namely meddling but well meaning family and friends. It would be funny if they helped each other out, wouldn't it? It's just a ridiculous idea though... Or is it?
Relationships: Harry Potter & Andromeda Black Tonks, Harry Potter & Severus Snape, Severus Snape/Andromeda Black Tonks, Teddy Lupin & Andromeda Black Tonks, Teddy Lupin & Severus Snape
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	Ridiculous Ideas (Or Are They?)

"Mr Severus, can I ask you a question?"

_Clack, clack._

A mop of vivid violet hair came into view at the corner of his eye, just to be diligently ignored. The boy canted his head to the side, the tips growing past his shoulder with the movement and slowly changing from wavy to pin straight. Severus clacked away.

The boy sighed, "Mr Severus, _may_ I ask you a question?"

"Yes, Teddy," he answered, folding his hands to look at Teddy Lupin, 11, currently perched in his spare kitchen chair.

"Do you think I'll be good at Potions?"

He narrowed his eyes at the boy. "Will you not ask me which house I think you'll be chosen to?"

"Nah, I have too many options," answered Ted, fiddling with a pointy ear he’d kept for almost the entire summer so far, influenced by one movie or another. "Mum was a 'puff, dad a lion, but then grandmama is a Slytherin. I could end up in any of them."

"You're not a Slytherin," Severus snorted.

Teddy glared at him, the effect not very potent coming from Nymphadora's wholly unmenacing heart shaped face and Lupin's Eeyore eyes, colorful hair notwithstanding.

"Grandmama said the same thing, so I suppose you're right," he sighed in the end. "Still, I don't care which one I end up, but I wanted to know what you think about potions."

"Your mother managed to get O's for both her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s despite apparently having two left hands—"

"That’s an awful saying," the boy interrupted, "You’re left handed."

"I agree. Anyway, your father, on the other hand, barely scraped an A in his O.W.L.s, so my conclusion is none if this matters, make an effort and you'll have results."

"You're funny, Mr Severus," said Teddy, making a face at him, "But thanks."

A small tussle broke out in his living room, the noise rising above the telly playing colorful, mindless cartoons: James, in a careless jump, smashed the Lego tower little Al had been building for the last half an hour. With a little effort, Severus managed to settle them again by rebuilding the tower with magic and extracting a promise from James to be more mindful. He knew it was a wasted effort but still.

"Remind me why am I babysitting you three, if you please."

"Since we're not babies, it's not babysitting, is it?' mused Teddy, smirking at his unimpressed glare. He straightened himself, reciting as if he were a little parrot, "Harry and Ginny took Mr and Mrs Weasley buy to see a new car. I'm staying with them for two weeks because grandmama Andromeda is on vacation, so they couldn't take all four kids to the shop; they took Lily with them and left us with you since it's a weekday and everyone else is working."

"Very funny, shockingly so," he said, and Teddy laughed.

His lovingly cultivated reputation of being a heartless bastard was lost on this new generation. Potter would say some bullshit about small children seeing beneath his masks more easily than adults, the soppy twit; Severus thought it was a plot to have an always available nanny since he worked from home, confirmed by the parade of Weasleys and Potters and this one Lupin that assaulted his old house with their destructive little selves over the years.

Shaking himself to dispel these useless thoughts, he resumed typing under Teddy's curious watch.

"Is the computer still fighting you?"

"Yes, I rather fear it's too complex for magical houses," he answered, thinking of the array of the useless gadget still mocking his attempts. He managed with the telly, a blender and a fan, but the notebook stumped him hard.

"At least you can use the typewriter," the boy said. "This way you don't tire your throat with a Dicta-quill and people don't have a hard time understanding your writing. Are you close to finishing your new book?"

"Closer than before; should be ready for editing by the end of summer," answered Severus. "And my writing is still better than Potter's chicken scrawl, you can tell him I said that."

A thump, pieces scattering again; an insistent wail of "Mr Sev'rus!"

"James Potter, you better sit down and help your brother rebuild his tower right now or I'll tell your mother!"

* * *

"I thought your book would've been published by now," said Minerva, idly studying her pieces. Unlike most wizard chess sets, this one knew better than try to shout suggestions to its owner, standing to attention quietly.

"It should have," answered Severus, watching his remaining tower being toppled by a vicious bishop; chess had never been one of his strong suits, but Minerva loved it too much. Also she wouldn't accept playing Scrabble anymore after he scored 270 points with one word; her whisky laced tea was compensation enough, and, obviously, her company. "The problem is I’m already at my third editor because they’re all dimwits without one jot of knowledge about Potions."

His move was promptly detained by one of Minerva's pawns, making him swear under his breath.

"Excuse me for not taking your opinion on their intelligence seriously," she said, arching an eyebrow, "I know for a fact that most people don't think it’s necessary to know about the differences between Felix Felicis brewed at 90º for 180 days, and 87º for 182 days."

His glare didn't affect her, like it never did. "Still," he sighed, his knight screaming at being pushed off the board by Minerva's ruthless queen, "There is a market for this book, even if it's niche, only it'll never get published if I don't find someone to edit it and make it _palatable_ ," he air quoted, much to Minerva's amusement. Clearly something he learned from the children, "Which means separating the insults from the actual instructions."

"According to Harry, the insults are a big part of your instructions, so I imagine that’s their trouble."

"Exactly!" he blurted, earning himself a few dirty looks from the dozing portraits, "I need an editor who knows enough about Potions, but given that Horace taught like three generations I don't have much hopes…"

"Enough about that," said Minerva, waving away his worries like a troublesome fly, "I wanted to tell you about this really nice fellow that moved to Hogsmeade—"

"Don't."

"I was just telling you about a new neighbor," she complained, the face of innocence, "And he's really rather dashing, if I must say so—"

"Not interested."

"But Severus," she fairly whined, losing her focus long enough he managed to snag a bishop and a pawn in the same move, "It's been three years since you last tried yourself at dating, I don't understand why you won't even give anyone a chance."

"Because last time I tried he was also _rather dashing_ and _oh so polite_ , let's not forget _she's such a darling_ ," he deadpanned, "And invariably they found someone nicer but conveniently forgot to tell me til I, again invariably, found out. So no, thank you, I'm fine on my own."

"Just because both of them were scummy wankstains doesn’t mean everyone else will be! You were just unlucky, but I’m sure, if you tried—"

"I don’t want to try!" he snarled. Everytime, every single time, the same bullshit. She was lucky he loved her like his own mother, the old cat. "I’m unpleasant and moody, and antisocial, not to mention ill-favored in looks, so I quite understand why people wouldn't want to give me the time of day for very long but," deflating, he pushed his surrounded king in defeat, "I only wish they'd had the courage to tell it to my face instead of letting me find out the hard way…"

"Oh, Severus, you know that’s not true…"

"I really don't want to talk about this," he pleaded, gulping down his tea, the heavy alcohol making head spin. He couldn't stand the commiseration in her eyes.

They sat in silence while the pieces scrambled back into place, ready for a new game. The first moves were stilted, until Minerva cleared her throat.

"Young Teddy seems to be doing well in Hufflepuff, from what I heard. A really attentive, curious child."

She didn't mention potential suitors again for the duration of his visit, which was a blessing even if he had to spent the rest of his night talking about the achievements of one children of another. He rather preferred it that way; Victoire's arsonist tales were much more fun than relationships.

* * *

"I know of someone to edit your book," exclaimed Potter under the guise of greetings.

Over the years he became such an annoying fixture at Spinner's End, Severus had no option but to key him in his wards so he could come and go without too much hassle. By hassle he meant Potter absolutely dismantling his wards when he failed to answer the door one too many times. Auror training didn't do him any favours in the politeness department.

"Forgive me for doubting your expertise in the subject, but I don't think anyone you suggest will be able to do a passable job," he said, unimpressed by the ruffled hair and crooked robes.

How it still rankled him that Potter ended up taller than him, even if by one single inch. He'd seriously counted on Lily’s midget genes to hold him back, but no, of course he had to grow up just enough. He stood as tall as he could, feeling ridiculous for still hanging on to this after a decade.

"The kids are right, you know," said Potter, walking towards his kitchen as if he owned the place. "You're bloody hilarious. I wish I'd seen this when I was their age, would've made Hogwarts much more enjoyable."

"The point, if you please." Potter ignored him, putting on the kettle and fixing some toast. The urge to bash his fat head against the cabinets whenever he took such liberties around his things smouldered to embers along the years, but never fully vanished. "Potter!"

"A second, breakfast is almost ready."

Giving up, he threw himself on one of his rickety chairs, pulling his house robe tighter against his chest. Trust Potter to not care that he was dressed only in a nightshirt and mismatched socks, that he still hadn't had his morning coffee that Potter certainly wouldn't make for him (it made him jittery his arse; he was jittery by nature already, no coffee needed). The plates were set, the food served. He made an impatient gesture, trying to hurry him to just _talk already_.

"Andromeda."

"Teddy’s grandmother?" he asked. He'd seen her over the years, but they'd never had a proper conversation. She was much ahead of him in school and didn't walk the same circles afterwards; even when Potter dragged him to family functions over the years they never shared more than a few polite, meaningless greetings. All he knew about her came either from Teddy's exulting praise, or Narcissa's offhand comments. "I didn’t know she worked on printing."

"It's a new job, actually. She started just a few months ago, but when we were talking yesterday, she said she'd done proofreading for Potions Today when Tonks was young. Before you ask," he said, raising his hands to stop his interjection, "I did ask her how she did in school, and she has O's in both her levels. It's worth a try, don't you think?"

He'd actually sent his latest editor packing three days ago, prompting an ultimatum from his publisher: either he'd find someone to edit the book himself or he could forget getting it on the shelves. The previous ones hadn't been this hard, mostly because the subjects had been simpler, while this one was focused on a few obscure aspects of potion making. He'd been cornered and he fucking hated it.

"Alright, I don’t have anything to lose at this point," he sighed, and Potter beamed at him. "I'll hold you responsible if it doesn’t work, though."

"Deal." Potter munched on his toast, self-satisfied, before adding, "I was thinking about Christmas…"

"It's the 13th of November, why are you thinking about Christmas?"

"It's never too early to start planning with a family the size of ours," he protested. "Anyway, we were just thinking, there's still time to find a plus one—"

"No!"

* * *

They arrived at the cafe at the same time two weeks after his conversation with Potter, five minutes before the agreed, and Severus already appreciated her more than half the previous attempts. He thought he was used to the Black sisters' looks from dealing with Narcissa and Bellatrix for so long, but it still caught him off guard; it was really unfair. Andromeda looked more down to earth than either of her sisters, and she actually allowed her hair to grey, unlike Narcissa, but still.

The conversation flowed easily after a few stilted first attempts. He learned that Andromeda wasn't that keen on Potions, but fairly competent (by his standards, high praise indeed) and open to criticism. They had an animated talk about Charms, her true calling, and he found her comprehension on theory refreshing.

"Oh, I can see what Teddy means," she said, reading the first chapter he brought with him. "This is quite funny."

"Yes, but sadly the publishers don't appreciate it, so it would be down to you to make it appropriate for polite company."

"Hm, I can do it," answered Andromeda, eyes crinkling with mirth. "I'll have to study, update myself on the subject, but I'm confident enough. I'm sure I can at least make a better job than the previous ones."

"Take the first chapter with you and decide then," he said. It had to work, it was his last chance. "If you accept it, I'll talk with my publisher and she’ll work out the payment details."

The talk died down after that, and Severus started to feel restless. It didn't help that Andromeda had a lot of Bellatrix around her eyes, given that she seemed very intent on studying him. Pinned butterfly, dissected flabberworm, that's how he was feeling on that very pleasant muggle cafe in a frigid November morning. He took bigger bite out of his pastry than he intended, fighting the urge to tear up while swallowing.

"So, Severus Snape. I really don't know what to make of you," she said, a touch too shrewd. "Teddy seems to think you're a really funny guy, while my sister considers you a fox among chicken. These are wildly opposing opinions, but they're what I have to work on since I can be frank and say we’re barely acquaintances."

"I don't know what’s so funny about me lately, but that seems to be the general consensus, yes. Potter certainly ruins my reputation every chance he gets…"

Tales of bravery this, naming my child after you that. Undying love and devotion beyond death, redemption to a misguided youth. Potter had a flair for exaggeration and he was only alive by chance, not because Severus cared about him in any way. Twit.

"Harry recounts some school mischief or another involving you quite frequently. He's very fond of you."

"I just wish he would, they wouldn't—," he bit back the words before he overshared like the emotional wreck he was these days. He wouldn't have survived two minutes with the Dark Lord with his current mindframe, and it scared him sometimes until he remembered the bastard was ash right now.

"It can't be that bad. At least they're not trying to find you a date because _it's been too long_ or some bullcrap like that," she rolled her eyes, sighing. "Sorry. As I said, we're barely acquaintances; I'm sure you're not interested in that."

"No, no, that's exactly what they're doing to me!" blurted Severus. "This infernal match-making, driving me crazy at every chance!"

"Really?"

"Yes! For me it's mainly Potter and Minerva, Headmistress McGonagall I mean, but even Arthur tried to give me some _tips_ last month?" He shuddered at the memory, the mortification still as real as at the moment. By her frantic nodding she knew exactly what he meant. "What about you?"

"Oh, let's see," she said, ticking the names off in her fingers, "There's Molly, ever the meddler, and Harry himself; there's my dearest sister, who had the gall of suggesting some _well related gentleman_ from her circles." The disgust was palpable in the last one, and Severus could empathize; Narcissa's social circles were still scuzzy. "Even my mother-in-law told me I should give it another chance!"

"It's bloody ridiculous, it's what it is," he agreed, shaking his head in acknowledgement. "Potter had the audacity of telling me I had time to find a plus one for Christmas yet. I almost told him to shove his plus one."

"He said the same thing to me!" Andromeda flushed much like Narcissa did, only it didn't feel calculated like with the former. It felt like genuine anger. "I'd like to see his face if I arrived with someone really unexpected, just to shut their mouths for a bit. It would be fun, I guess."

"I won't deny, I've entertained some similar ideas once in a while," he said, idly running his finger over the rim of his cup. Shocking them into silence, Potter's myopic eyes bugging out of its sockets. So funny. "Maybe we could go together, that would certainly give them whiplash—" The heat crawled up his face the second he registered what exactly he suggested, Andromeda staring at him wordlessly making it _double_. Fucking shit. "Forget that last bit, it was seriously uncalled for and I have no idea where it came from…"

His desperate stammer—he was stammering like a first year! Oh, shame!—took a while to have any effect, but in the end Andromeda chuckled, awkwardly.

"It’s fine," she waved away his concerns, no real judgement in her eyes. "I mean, the whole idea of taking someone just to get a rise out of them was idiotic from the beginning, just fanciful thought."

He nodded, "Exactly. It's a ridiculous idea, just to pass the time."

"It would be funny though," she answered after a minute staring at nothing, a small furrow between her brows reminding him of dear Bella plotting someone's demise. It passed like a cloud, and she laughed. "But yes, just a ridiculous idea."

**Author's Note:**

> I do NOT know where the idea for this came from. I NEVER thought of this pairing at all. And yet here it is. Severus as a reluctant (or not) member of the extended Potter family and honorary child-minder, Andromeda as the "just getting back to work" widow after Teddy finally leaves for school. Both tired of match-making. Tune in to see their shenanigans.
> 
> You can find me at [my tumblr](https://scverussnape.tumblr.com/), as always.


End file.
